1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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