gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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