I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Thank you for not boning my boss.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I think your dad took our porno
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
