Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
