If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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