I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
