Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
