Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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