hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
