Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
