I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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