xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
