just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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