Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
