"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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