enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
