Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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