He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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