Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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