This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
