you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
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