So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
