What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
