she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
