If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Randomize
