and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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