went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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