Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i think i have two assholes
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
