he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
