i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Can I color on your dick again?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
