so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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