These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
