I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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