At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
