All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
