You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
