Old men and throwing up are my life now.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
He felt like a one man threesome
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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