i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
