So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
do herpes really smell.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Randomize
