Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
