Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
