just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
whose parrot is this?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
