I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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