The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize