Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize