Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
