soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
