Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
