you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
