I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
