he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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