By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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