I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
