Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I need a burrito and a hug.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
