Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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