Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
This toilet bowl is my home.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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