glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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