Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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