my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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