im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize