Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
you win again, gameday.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
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