I haven't been this sober since birth.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
