bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Randomize
